I like your application letter, mainly bacause you convey your enthusiasm and sincerity across really well! :) I think any employer would be interested in hiring such a passionate and honest person.
Some suggestions that you could do are: 1) The company address should be on top, below your address and date. Also, the address should be in the right format. block no., road, unit no., postal code. 2) I think it will be unnecessary for you to explain why you think internship will be useful for you. Cos the company will be mainly concerned about your value to them! 4) "referring to point 4" --> Just go straight to the point. 5) Also, explain why you chose Keppel Seghers as your internship company. Show that you have researched on Keppel Seghers. For instance, it is a reputable company in which field? any recent news on its achievements?
Otherwise, a great application letter! the power words stood out well!=)
All the best in your application for the intership!
Hi Priya, thanks for your feedback :) I remember that you also stated a couple of points in your peer assessment conducted during class. I did not make some of the changes you recommended, because after considering your advice, I decided to stand with my rationale.
For point 2, I checked with Brad, and he told me that yes, for an internship, you do not need to promote the benefits the company can receive when you enter, because you are actually not going to contribute much to it. As an intern, you will only be there for a few months, and you go there to learn, rather than to make a positive impact. Hence, I focused on my willingness to learn and my interest in remedying social-cum-environmental problems.
For point 4 of your feedback, I intentionally referred to point 4 of the 'call for application' because I wanted to show the employer that I am adept at that particular task;, and that I possess the relevant skill in deep measure. If I did not make the direct link, the next few lines where I talked about my experience in coordinating activities might seem like just another strength.
For point 5, I checked with Brad too. He said that I did not need to flatter the company, for they know how good they are on the international level, much better than I do. I know this is in conflict with what we more often hear, i.e. showing that we did our research on the company, but I do not think that I need to show that so much in this context. I felt that this statement would have been enough: 'I have chosen Keppel Seghers because Keppel is a reputable organisation, and I have faith in it to give interns a meaningful experience.'
Lastly, for point 1, it not that decided on this format, but rather, that I do not have the address of the sender. It was an email, sent through my civil and environmental engineering department office.
Thanks again! One more thing to say, I do delight in being honest and sincere. Though honest people might lose out to people who give false information, we will be better off in the long run. Moreover, more honesty and sincerity makes the world a better place! :)
Your application letter is generally clear, coherent and grammatically correct. However, I spotted one inconsistency. In the 1st paragraph, you said "throughout the first 3 semesters in NUS", which implies that you have gone through 3 semesters. But in the 2nd paragraph you said "in my fourth semester, I studied..." in the past tense, which suggests that you have completed your 4th semester. It should be changed to "I am currently studying..." to be consistent with your previous point.
I also felt that your letter could be much more concise. In my opinion, dramatic language such as "glean eye opening insights", "I have faith in", "pursuit I am fervent about", "if my fire dies out in trying times", "out of my eagerness", etc should be left out of formal letters. Most of these phrases could be shortened or cut out altogether. On to another example, at the start of the 3rd paragraph, instead of going in a roundabout manner and saying what traits an intern should possess, and then saying that you qualify, straight up say that you have these traits.
In terms of content, you had provided ample evidence for choosing this internship, your interests, and your personal qualities. However, I felt that you should state the exact position at Keppel Seghers you are applying for, and link your qualities directly to the requirements of the job scope. Also, write a bit more about the achievements of Keppel Seghers and how that might have influenced your decision to intern with them. How does it stand out from the other companies, and how you might benefit from them?
Hi Bokai, haha yes! Thanks Mr. Grammar-Guru. I have made that amendment. It should have been 'throughout my first four semesters in NUS'. I will be sending this letter to Keppel Seghers during the internship application window next semester (semester five), so yes, by that time I would have been through four semesters.
In response to the next point on conciseness, I am really reluctant to take out the descriptive language. I feel that it brings out what I am trying to say more vividly; it is a means of articulating myself. I would really feel uncomfortable with the convincingness of the letter if I wrote more simply. I will review it again and see how to improve on that aspect.
I have edited the 3rd paragraphs according to your suggestion, as I agree that mentioning the traits straightaway would be a clearer way to present those points. Thanks.
On to the last couple of feedback, I did state the exact position I am applying for. It is 'INTERNSHIP POSITION: RO PLANT AND ITS PRETREATMENT PLANT' at the top. I copied this wholesale from the company's call for application, so they would definitely know which position I am applying for. I also linked the qualities directly to the job scope. I shall upload the call for application for you to refer to. As for your last point, do refer to my reply to Priya for my response.
Hi Jerick!
ReplyDeleteI like your application letter, mainly bacause you convey your enthusiasm and sincerity across really well! :) I think any employer would be interested in hiring such a passionate and honest person.
Some suggestions that you could do are:
1) The company address should be on top, below your address and date. Also, the address should be in the right format.
block no.,
road, unit no.,
postal code.
2) I think it will be unnecessary for you to explain why you think internship will be useful for you. Cos the company will be mainly concerned about your value to them!
4) "referring to point 4" --> Just go straight to the point.
5) Also, explain why you chose Keppel Seghers as your internship company. Show that you have researched on Keppel Seghers. For instance, it is a reputable company in which field? any recent news on its achievements?
Otherwise, a great application letter! the power words stood out well!=)
All the best in your application for the intership!
Hi Priya, thanks for your feedback :) I remember that you also stated a couple of points in your peer assessment conducted during class. I did not make some of the changes you recommended, because after considering your advice, I decided to stand with my rationale.
DeleteFor point 2, I checked with Brad, and he told me that yes, for an internship, you do not need to promote the benefits the company can receive when you enter, because you are actually not going to contribute much to it. As an intern, you will only be there for a few months, and you go there to learn, rather than to make a positive impact. Hence, I focused on my willingness to learn and my interest in remedying social-cum-environmental problems.
For point 4 of your feedback, I intentionally referred to point 4 of the 'call for application' because I wanted to show the employer that I am adept at that particular task;, and that I possess the relevant skill in deep measure. If I did not make the direct link, the next few lines where I talked about my experience in coordinating activities might seem like just another strength.
For point 5, I checked with Brad too. He said that I did not need to flatter the company, for they know how good they are on the international level, much better than I do. I know this is in conflict with what we more often hear, i.e. showing that we did our research on the company, but I do not think that I need to show that so much in this context. I felt that this statement would have been enough: 'I have chosen Keppel Seghers because Keppel is a reputable organisation, and I have faith in it to give interns a meaningful experience.'
Lastly, for point 1, it not that decided on this format, but rather, that I do not have the address of the sender. It was an email, sent through my civil and environmental engineering department office.
Thanks again! One more thing to say, I do delight in being honest and sincere. Though honest people might lose out to people who give false information, we will be better off in the long run. Moreover, more honesty and sincerity makes the world a better place! :)
Hi Jerick,
ReplyDeleteYour application letter is generally clear, coherent and grammatically correct. However, I spotted one inconsistency. In the 1st paragraph, you said "throughout the first 3 semesters in NUS", which implies that you have gone through 3 semesters. But in the 2nd paragraph you said "in my fourth semester, I studied..." in the past tense, which suggests that you have completed your 4th semester. It should be changed to "I am currently studying..." to be consistent with your previous point.
I also felt that your letter could be much more concise. In my opinion, dramatic language such as "glean eye opening insights", "I have faith in", "pursuit I am fervent about", "if my fire dies out in trying times", "out of my eagerness", etc should be left out of formal letters. Most of these phrases could be shortened or cut out altogether. On to another example, at the start of the 3rd paragraph, instead of going in a roundabout manner and saying what traits an intern should possess, and then saying that you qualify, straight up say that you have these traits.
In terms of content, you had provided ample evidence for choosing this internship, your interests, and your personal qualities. However, I felt that you should state the exact position at Keppel Seghers you are applying for, and link your qualities directly to the requirements of the job scope. Also, write a bit more about the achievements of Keppel Seghers and how that might have influenced your decision to intern with them. How does it stand out from the other companies, and how you might benefit from them?
Bokai
Hi Bokai, haha yes! Thanks Mr. Grammar-Guru. I have made that amendment. It should have been 'throughout my first four semesters in NUS'. I will be sending this letter to Keppel Seghers during the internship application window next semester (semester five), so yes, by that time I would have been through four semesters.
DeleteIn response to the next point on conciseness, I am really reluctant to take out the descriptive language. I feel that it brings out what I am trying to say more vividly; it is a means of articulating myself. I would really feel uncomfortable with the convincingness of the letter if I wrote more simply. I will review it again and see how to improve on that aspect.
I have edited the 3rd paragraphs according to your suggestion, as I agree that mentioning the traits straightaway would be a clearer way to present those points. Thanks.
On to the last couple of feedback, I did state the exact position I am applying for. It is 'INTERNSHIP POSITION: RO PLANT AND ITS PRETREATMENT PLANT' at the top. I copied this wholesale from the company's call for application, so they would definitely know which position I am applying for. I also linked the qualities directly to the job scope. I shall upload the call for application for you to refer to. As for your last point, do refer to my reply to Priya for my response.
Thanks again.