It was another one of those times when Jevin would give a cold shoulder to my humble, peaceable approach. I had arrived home in the midst of Jevin’s tuition, and went to say hi to the tutor - my friend – and Jevin. After which I promptly left them to resume lesson.
To my shock, after the tuition, Jevin accused me of staying too long behind both him and the tutor, such that the lesson was adversely affected the duration I was there. “Huh?” I was dumbfounded for a while. “I just greeted you and my friend out of courtesy, and also because I was excited to see you both”, and while I replied him I half-wondered if he could have been stressed out from the peer and teacher pressure in the highly competitive Catholic High Secondary where he studies. Couldn’t he have just spared a few seconds?
“You want to say your own things you just say. I don’t care already”, he quickly dismissed my defense. To me, that was haphazardly unreasonable, like looking for trouble. I resolved to reach a peaceful resolution, without ignoring the episode. I wanted to understand his perspective. Sadly, for the next two nights, whenever I approached him, he nonchalantly ignored me, leaving me rather dejected. What do you do when your brother casts you into the winter cold?
Hi again, sorry the comment wasn't a direct reply to 'what happens when he casts you into the winter cold'.
ReplyDeleteFor that let me give my views based on the general guideline of the 3 rules i wrote above. If his casting you into the winter cold happens as a result of 1 and 2 and the first part of 3, it is a winter cold that should not have been and needs time to heal all wounds. Abiding actions of love and patience is key in such situations as teenagers come to make sense of the world and his own self. There is no other way. If the winter cold happens as a result of the 2nd part of 3, then it is something that cannot be helped. Again, abiding actions of love and patience is required, and very soon the teenager comes to gain wisdom, which you apparently did as a result of becoming a Christian, and so will your brother, by 'prayer and petition' with the Almight God of Love.
Hi Caster, I presume you're not from National University of Singapore and taking the module, ES2007S, as I am? Just to let you know, the posts in this blog are written assignments under that module. Thanks so much for your concern :D This issue between my bro and I has been resolved peacefully, and rather abruptly, during our chinese new year celebrations about a week ago. For the sake of my classmates who have not yet given their comments (in which they'll have to suggest solutions), I shall not let known how it was resolved. You can stay tuned to find out : ) Also, for the benefit of other readers, I'm re-posting your 1st comment, which mysteriously disappeared.
DeleteHi Jerrick, I hope my comment doesn't hurt.
First of all, I have no experience with what having a brother is like, as I am an only daughter at home. I imagine boys must always be boys---sometimes rough, sometimes reckless, sometimes passionate, sometimes egotistical, sometimes vengeful, for all the petty little things of life especially in the midst of as you say 'teenage rebellion'.
Teenagers get irate by the slightest of provocation, and even in no provocation they judge as provocation, which probably is due to hormonal changes taking place in his body. That is the reason why alot of serious crimes involving physical hurt and trauma occur frequently with teenagers in the United States and here in Grenada, my hometown. Teenagers are sometimes a crisis waiting to happen.
In view of that, I suggest a few solutions, which might probably just a few gleaned and ingrained in me from a few self-help books on teenage crises:
1)In matters that do no pertain to the serious trangression of certain ethical or moral values, allow the teen to be a teen. For example if when you come home to his tuition and he makes a big fuss for no apparently reason about your standing behind him and policing his activities, allow him to be him. Let it be, relax, take it easy, take a deep breadth. There is no clear moral of ethical crime, from your point of view of your value system of course, so don't start anything with him.
2)Always give a word of praise for anything respectable, upright, ethical, moral, or noble work done, and strict rebuke for anything unbecoming of these values. This is so the teenager knows the boundaries by which right and wrong is defined, respectable and disgraceful, kind and rude.
3)Always give him the benefit of the doubt in situations you know that serious consequences won't likely happen. For instance his calling you a jerk for standing behind his tuition, let it be that you are a jerk and swallow that pride when he hurts your feelings. The consequences thereafter are not severe, in that he ain't going to have his life or personal well-being in immediate danger, and 1) has not been trangressed. But if for example you know he is going out to a Saturday night party high on drugs, guns and alcohol, then this is where you stop giving him the benefit of the doubt even if he says he wouldn't be high on drugs, guns and alcohol. You step in firmly, strictly, to tell him that he cannot go to such an adult hang-out for reasons he does not yet understand try as you might to explain the reasons to him. In such cases, you might need to lock him up in the basement, because his life and personal well-being might be in immediate danger.
There you go bro, 3 quick steps to interpersonal success, whether from the point of a brother, or in future, as a father to your son.
3-cents worth
From Grenada!
In response to your advice, which I really appreciate, yes; teenagers indeed pose the toughest interpersonal dilemmas in the family, apart from marriage breakdowns. An amazingly high level of patience is required to nurture them despite their rebellion, which makes many many parents' blood boil. Engaging them when their ears are shut, or when their shelling you with the full firepower of their tongue is completely useless. Moreover, they might close up even more. So I have learnt to be patient, and an opportunist, by having a sense of the times and their moods, and pouncing on the right moments to impart kernels of wisdom to them. Living with my teenage brother and sister really trained me up for future interpersonal conflicts.
DeleteAs for times when I have to protect them from sure danger, yes, I get you, we just have to do what is necessary and bear their scorn. In fact, I've told my sister before, 'I love you as a brother, and will tell you what is good for you, even if you hate me for it. I don't want you to suffer the consequences of your wrongdoing.'
Lastly, I find part of your approach too soft, when you wrote 'his calling you a jerk......let it be that you are a jerk..'. If I was his parent, I would still rebuke him and enforce a rule against it. I am adamant about them not crossing certain boundaries, just like you actually, but my boundaries are drawn much nearer. I don't know if we can determine either of our boundaries as more appropriate; I have yet to gain any experience parenting haha. You have given me valuable insights, and I'll continue to learn along the way. May you have many awesome relationships, in your family, among friends, your school/workplace, etc.
Hey bro,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you found my help meaningful, and I'm for the happier to be meaningful.
As a Christian for you, in essence lots of abiding love and patience as you 'walk through the valley of the shadow of death' as depicted by John Bunyun in Pilgrims Progress, the best source of evangelical Christian Literature on the planet! In that valley, because of sin and evil, it is cloaked with pitch black darkness, and contains all sorts of ensnares like potholes, vertical drop-pits, mudfests and vacuum quicksand. Without the leadership of righteous man full of Godly character and principle, there is absolutely no way to see the way in that valley past all the obstacles and dangers, because righteousness is the only light.
Only God is righteous and gives righteousness and that is the essence of Christian living in the sense that we are called are life-savers and direction-givers in a world so full of ensnares---temptations, lies, evil as a result of sin in human beings. We can help navigate the path of complete darkness because we have God's word as the Light; we aren't blind when we completely depend on the Light or God. But Christians themselves go blind whenever they lose that dependance due to temptations of their own pride and sense of what is right. And then we being defiled by the dark forces of the valley or Satan, start ourselves leading people into all the pits and traps of sin, and are forever stuck in the valley with no redemption.
How Christians lose their dependance on God are numerous. First up, yes, they start of course relying on their sense of what is right when pride gets to them. This happens when they stop having 'the fear of the Lord is wisdom', they stop doing the things that made them God-reverent. For one they stopped having a 'prayerful heart', not praying conscientiously and committing every single possible event to the Lord. Prayer is the gateway to spiritual communion with our Almight God, the only form of communication for Christians, no others. Without prayer, you don't get direction from God through his using your conscience to speak and guide you on the way to Godly living. For another, they fail to consult the word of God for wisdom, knowledge and guidance on Godly living. Praying and reading the word of God must go hand in hand, because the only way God speaks to his believers is through the open pages of the bible, and must be done with a prayer heart and all humility devoid of any pre-conceived judgement. This is called partaking in the word of God with total spiritual devotion, imbibing and waiting for on the Lord to teach you the lessons he wants you to learn.
If you have a problem with your brother, good, problems are good, problems make you go straight to God, and God wants to see that his believers go to him for help, because he wants to build their character, mindsets and pick them up stronger than where they come from, so that they will in turn go out into the world, to show and preach to all the rest about the wondrous things and change God has done for them. Christians are living testimonies of the grace, love and character beauty of God.
Praying and consulting scripture are absolutely indispensable ways to Godly living and Godly problem-solving, and God guarantees light at the end of the tunnel for anyone that abides faithfully, very faitfully in prayer and scriptural meditation. That is also abiding love and patience as well. 'Abiding' in Hebrew translates dwell. To dwell on the person who is so utterly wretched, sinful, hopeless, when earthly people would have normally given up hope on and left him, so that the dwelling can reveal God's powerful love and patience beyond compare.
Yep!
Wow thanks so much Caster! You have put a great deal of effort into encouraging me to live in a godly manner! I appreciate your kindness : )
DeleteIndeed, Jesus declares in John 15:5, "I am the vine. You are the branches. Those who live in me while I live in them will produce a lot of fruit. But you can't produce anything without me." (Version: GOD'S WORD) To live life to the fullest, we have to live with God. In the eternal context, men are like fish in water, and God is like the water. Out of the water, and life flashes past like vapor disappearing. In the water, we live on forever, thriving and flourishing. Again, in the eternal context, to work and accumulate riches without God's leading is to build one's house and store one's treasure at the foot of a volcano. Soon enough, fire will burn all that has been accumulated. To work under God's guidance and receive blessings is to build one's home in an ever-flourishing garden. And the treasure? All good things come from God; the treasure is unimaginable. Yes, I live by this principle, the same one you elaborated on :D
Thanks again. Great to have you as a sister-in-Christ! Anyway, on a side note, do consider focusing your encouragement on someone else. I do appreciate you, but have many other commitments and brothers-and-sisters-in-Christ close to home whom I fellowship with too. Hence, I am extremely tied for time, (no kidding!) and cannot afford to fellowship much with you. Sorry. Anyway, you have been a blessing to me : ) Look forward to meeting you in heaven! We'll catch up there hahaha.
Ok dear. God be with you too :)
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ReplyDeleteThanks, Jerick, for the heartfelt post. You do a good job of describing the scenario's context and the play of events. Generally, this is a clear and concise post.(There's only one sentence problem, a fragment, if I'm correct. Can you find that?)
ReplyDeleteI also like the way you pose a question, making this a scenario that resonates with us as we contemplate the moods of a teenager who is stressed from study. Sibling relationships are certainly an area of potential conflict that your peers and I can relate to. And look at all the feedback you've gotten from a visitor to your site.
I hope some of your group members respond in kind.
Hi Brad, thanks for your encouraging feedback. You have affirmed me of a couple of things, like the clarity of the article's structure, and my attempt at being concise. (I always struggle to be concise!)
DeleteI could not find the sentence problem, so I'll just make 2 guesses.
i) It is the statement '“Huh?” I was dumbfounded for a while.' I do not know exactly how quotations should be infused into a sentence. In this case, the question mark prevented me from using the comma as I would usually do. I.e. '"Huh", I was dumbfounded for a while.' If I used both question mark and comma, i.e. '"Huh?", I was dumbfounded for a while.' it would seem weird.
ii) Or 'After which I promptly left them to resume lesson.' I do not find this statement wrong, actually, just that it would sound better like this: 'After which, I promptly left them to resume lesson.'
Yes sibling rivalry and discord certainly rocks many many people's lives. Like my kind visitor said, we have to be patient and loving. It might not be a big deal to be able to peacefully maneuver through one blown up issue, but to be consistent in doing so for five or maybe even ten years is a Herculean feat.
The few of you who already know how things turned out in the end, please do not reveal it. Thanks!
Ok, time to let all of you know how the conflict was resolved! The outcome was pleasantly surprising actually. Jevin and I had the chance to have a short heart-to-heart talk on the first day of Chinese New Year. That was the peaceful conversation which I had so been looking forward too! We soon realised that it was all a misunderstanding! Jevin had thought that on that day, I remained for a much longer time behind him and his tutor than I actually had. In actual fact, I had gone to the kitchen to eat an apple for about five minutes, before passing by again. He thought I was there the whole time! Hence he felt that his behaviour was under my constant scrutiny, and could not be free to articulate himself during tuition. That led him to make that accusation against me. Ha, I was so relieved that the ice between us melted that day.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jerick, for reviewing this.
ReplyDeleteThe fragment is: After which I promptly left them to resume lesson.' It's a relative clause, not complete, due to your use of the relative pronoun "which." You could have simply written "After that, I promptly left them to resume lesson." In this case, you're using an adverbial phrase as a transition.
Ok thanks Brad, I understand.
ReplyDelete